| rich, with a flower that was unique in all the world |
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all i had was a common rose.
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[21 Feb 2006|10:04pm] |
As much as I thrive on being by myself... it's very strange to have someone with you for so long. "So Long" being six days... yet seeming like a really long time. My life seems to awkward and unplanned... I'm very torn about just about everything in my life..maybe it's one big gray area.
Today I realized:
I Love :
Grid systems. Passion fruit. Healthy juice. Walking. Sleeping in my own bed. Driving my car. Having someone to tell me when my jeans look bad/I have morning breath. Complete honesty. Someone's hand to hold. Someone to drool on my shoulder. A knight in not so shining armor. Potbelly Sandwich Works. Not sleeping. Understanding parental units. Meeting someone that Loves Salt and Vinegar chips. Having someone to kiss goodnight. Hotel neighbors having REALLY LOUD SEX while I sit against the wall and giggle my ass off.
I've also realized that:
I HATE round abouts or "rotaries" or whatever the fuck you want to call them. I hate them. Amtrak food is pretty repulsive. Alone time = fabulousity. Mariotts are comfy. If I'm not married by 40, I can be within a phone call. I'm a cranky travel buddy. My body isn't as grotesque as I thought it was. Be bim bap is quite possibly one of my favorite foods. Sometimes you need to walk old men across the street.
I'm exhausted. a little lonely, but not really, and about to eat Salt and Vinegar chips.
Love,
Meg
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[11 Feb 2006|11:49pm] |
So I sort of feel like nothing's going right, because apparently nothing really is. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you go to the beach and take your shoes off in the middle of the winter... sometimes it doesn't matter that for a few minutes you're actually doing exactly what you want...and you're not "going through the motions" like every other hour of your existence. Sometimes I just wish... that I could make a plan, that one of my grandiose ideas came to fruition in the exact way that I had pictured it in my mind.
That I sit in my little room and I think of the million and one things that I feel would be amazing and even if just one of those things actually happened, I'd feel as if I were actually doing something that I wanted. But at this point that's the complete opposite. I've come up with idea after idea about every little thing in my miserable little existence. Whether it's what I want to look like, where I want to work, who I want to be with, where I want to go, what I want to study, what I want to make for dinner or where I plan to spend my vacation...even down to the phone calls....
Nothing turns out the way that I want it to. Absolutely nothing
It's not something that I WANT to get used to, but at this point it's the only way that I'm able to deal with it. I EXPECT that nothing that I want to happen will, and therefore I'm not as disappointed. Mind you, I'm still heartbroken at the fact that nothing works out.... believe me. I don't enjoy not knowing if I'm going on a vacation, or if the person that I'm supposed to be going with is dead or not, or just doesn't give a fuck like just about every other person...
what bothers me is that I said "prove me wrong"... just like I do with everything and everyone else.
and no one seems to be able to.
prove me wrong
time to sleep to wake up to start over exactly what i hate. my one day is over
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| "Suck It" - Mr. C |
[26 Jan 2006|12:15pm] |
Let's be who we are.
Do something great.
Go where we want to.
Be with who we love.
Make something great of ourselves, even if you're the only one thinking so.
Let's go to the beach in the winter.
Keep our rooms messy if we feel like it.
Snuggle under the covers until we miss the train.
Let's be proactive.
Unafraid.
Let's say what we think.
Believe in what we say.
Let's drive without a direction.
Let's laugh as loud as we want, but only when it's real.
Not care if you get an hour of sleep because you were doing something better.
Stay up late to watch that movie.
Let's miss school to go to a museum because we'll learn more that way.
When we say "that'd make a good picture"; make sure you have a camera.
Let's be honest.
I'll be me and you be you
And I'm sure everything will turn out wonderfully.
ughhheighteenvalentinesdayplaneridevacationnnnnnnnnn tooooo EXCITED!!!!
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[06 Jan 2006|04:39pm] |
Do you ever just feel like you do and do and do for other people and then you get absolutely nothing back in return. There's never that feedback that I give, there's never anyone listening to what I'm saying. I miss realism.
I know I said that I don't want time to rush...but at this very moment, I'd love to open my eyes and be very far away falling asleep in a room with the person that I miss the most.
My body isn't working right and my mom told me she was going to get me a membership to "curves" and I told her to suck it. I didn't really tell her to suck it, but that's a bit presumptuous.
I'm really not enjoying people lately. There are my select few...but even that number is beginning to dwindle as time is going on. For these reasons I feel as if I'll never be able to get married and that my life will be a constant struggle of making and trying to keep friends.
I miss the city...I haven't been there for a few weeks. I'm going Monday but I really wish I didn't have to save my money because I would just go out tomorrow and spend my day there like I used to do. I need a vacation from life. Just for a little while.
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[02 Jan 2006|10:31pm] |
Just now. I've realized:
I will not live in the past.
I will not project the future.
But more importantly I will not live in the past.
Things are as they are right now.
The only way to become anything in this world is
to get the fuck over it.
to shut the fuck up.
get back up and do something else.
it's most obvious if it didn't work the first time, there was a variable that failed you. Change it.
Change.
ugh I hate people so much it's pathetic.
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| Lack of sleep? |
[28 Dec 2005|04:20am] |
I wish for just a little while that the world would stop spinning and time would stop going and we'd all just be stuck where we were in a time when we were completely content instead of always waiting for something to come. I LOVE anticipation for something but then I always tend to feel so let down after the even has occurred. Months, days, years there have been things that I've wanted and dreamt about and it all just leads to days that feel the same with something new to look forward to. What a run on sentence.
...Anyway, I'm trying my best to make time go slow in order to enjoy what little time I have left, and in order to make it seem as if we have so much time before we're all apart again, whoever "we" might be. I feel as if in the very near future my life is going to be turned completely upside down, as it has been several times before, when all of the doors shut and everyone goes "home" to places that they've never lived before...but yet I'm still here, like always...waiting like always. It's always the same with me, just the people change...they float in and out of my life like nothing I would have ever imagined.
There's nothing like the feeling of your heart literally dropping in your chest at the sound of a word. Or the development of a thought...or the realization that time is going by much faster than you would have anticipated. It just keeps going and it really does go by so fast; so there isn't much of a worry at the fact that everyone will be gone...because they always tend to come back at some time...for the most part...Whether it be forever, or for a day or maybe to. They always come back even if it's just for a little while because they always know where to find me.
...I've realized that I am the only constant.
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[27 Nov 2005|01:33am] |
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"Let's Go Riding"- Mister Freddie |
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I've written about 100 different entries, fully and then I delete them. I don't know what's going on with me. I got home from work at 8, thought I was going to get killed at the bank, put gas in the car, went to the store with my dad and came home ready to fall asleep. Yet it's 1:30 and I'm awake.
I feel like having ice cream but I looked at my legs today and can't even believe that I let anyone see them, I'm disgusted. I hate when people lie about their weight. If I'm looking right at you, it's a little crazy to lie. Just tell me the truth. I woke up late for work, wearing the same pair of jeans that I had worn the day before, I changed my shirt and left.
I don't know what's going on, or why I feel the way I do. I write little notes to myself about things to write and I may even email this out to someone. Here's a topic for you that I sent to myself.
"Some people are the ones catching the trains and some people are the ones walking away from them."
It's not very fun to be the walker awayer, or for that matter the sit on the trainer. I can remember several times when I sat on the train with my eyes covered in tears, a complete mess, until someone comes up and asks me what time it is.
My entire body hurts and I have no money left for life. I'd like to win a few hundred dollars.
should I play lotto? erf, with my luck I'll get pregnant from it.
There's something that feels damn near a stab to the heart when you say "When are you leaving?" and the answer is within the next twelve hours. Dare I say, go for it anyway, live it up and just say "who what" let's make the most of those 5, 6, 7 hours and act like we're teenagers again, or wait... WE ARE . erf.
-End*
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[29 Oct 2005|09:21pm] |
I'm pretty much exhausted. I'm starting to get sick, not sure if I should go to the doctor yet or see if it gets any worse... I want a vacation from everything....
Was thinking about how certain smells remind you of certain things, or how pictures can take me back to the exact moment when they were taking. I put some spray in my hair and it reminded me of the day I went to Michelle's birthday party and I had long long hair and I tried so hard to make it look really pretty and I put that smoothing stuff in and hadn't really used it since then, but I remember the smell and going into my room and putting on a checkered headband and then going over there.
I was also looking through old pictures and I remember every single detail about the day that those pictures are taken. I remember putting the dress on, or staying at that hotel, sitting in my room with Paul... Things that you'd never normally think of I could tell you every specific detail about it, and I really love it.
I'm contemplating whether to go to sleep or two go out... one of my friends is back from school and I'm waiting for him to call back, but going to sleep sounds so damn good right now.
-Meg
</center<
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[10 Oct 2005|04:11pm] |
Needless to say, in the most simplified terms: I cannot seem to comprehend my impact on the lives of others. I fear this may become a problem. I also fear that I may never be able to get married due to the fact that being around one person for more than twenty four hours makes me want to run them over with Ursula.
and I never knew that I was capable of "devastating" somebody. Yet, I have. and the idea of it actually makes me sick. It's very strange. I can't figure out if he likes me more than he leads on, or even worse if he likes me more than I him. And furthermore as I pointed out previously: what do we do when we have real relationships? uh oh. oh boy :)
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[29 Sep 2005|02:28pm] |
(In sophia petrillo voice)
Picture it: West Babylon, 2005... I wake up after going to sleep at 3am, I get out of my bed, I walk into the hallway. I think "wow, I feel like I'm going to puke" 2.5 seconds later I'm talking to my mom saying "Uh, I don't feel good..." "what's wrong" she asks. "ITHINKI'MGONNAPUKE" annnnnnnd I run into the bathroom only to sit on the floor, gag and not puke at all. These are the times when puking is SO MUCH BETTER than not puking because usually if you throw up, you won't feel so fucking sick. Anyhizzle. I needed a day off anyway, even if I feel like death....
erf. and is it terrible that i was thinking "oh my god! if i have that stomach virus again, i could TOTALLY LOSE 15 POUNDS IN THREE DAYS AGAIN!?... sick, sick, sick! :)
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[25 Sep 2005|02:16pm] |
So pretty much over the past few months I've written about twenty or so entries, in their entirety. I look at them, read them through and then I delete them before I even post them. I'm not really sure why. I think "that's not really worth talking about" but what the hell it's a journal, why not just write it.
Life has been very awkward lately... pretty much for the last four years it's been awkward but one would have hoped that by now that phase would have passed. I'm really not very pleased with much in my life... which I guess could be expected. Who knows. I'm more tired than anything, really...and I wonder how I went for so many years on two or three hours of sleep a night. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of looking the way that I do, or trying to think ahead to the future or realizing that this time next year there's a good chance that I won't even be living here and that I need to figure out righthisverymoment where it is that I'm going and what it is i'll be doing and what I'll be doing a year or two or ten after that. It's all far too much to have to think about. So I don't. I've pretty much been in total denial of everything. It's easier to just ignore my entire life than to deal with anything going on. It's actually not, and I know that...but right now I'm going to pretend otherwise.
I truly and completely do not understand people or myself. I feel as if the same problems are always occurring only with different people and it just appears that I am the not the variable. I'm the constant. If you continue to have the same things happening and I'm always in the equation, then it's only obvious that it's my fault...there's something that I'm doing that people do not like, understand or appreciate and I don't know what it is. People have told me a million things that I do wrong, but I don't do those things, and that's why I'm always so baffled. Boys don't like me. I'm not a showoff. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I don't think that I'm pretty or skinny. I am smart though, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not, but I try and I like school and don't pretend that I get special treatment because I just don't. People are always trying to top something that I can do. I just want something that absolutely is not out there anymore.
I miss having a boyfriend and a best friend, or at least one or the other. I'm tired of having to take care of myself and spend $60 a week on gas, when I don't make enough money to do that. I wanted to work to save money for school, for an apartment, for something...maybe at least Christmas presents for my family and a shopping spree for my sister. And yet I have $12 dollars in the bank and gas prices are just getting higher and higher.
There are just so many little factors cutting into my life that it's way too overwhelming and I really don't have anyone that understands this. Half of my friends don't work, and the ones that do don't drive, or they don't buy their own food, or have a sister that fucking lives an hour away that they can't even get to. Twelve hour days are insane, and so is working five days a week...I cannot do it. I'm completely and totally exhausted with everything in my life.
I need a break. or a person. or something.
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| Dormo |
[28 Aug 2005|10:38am] |
Erf. Summer's not over, and It's my sincere intent to continue it up until the very last moment. It's been a very weird few months...but good none the less. I've basically lived alone for the past three months which I feel in a way was just my mom's attempt to show me that I'm pretty fucking capable as a human being. hah Although I must admit I miss having someone to make my appointment for me or at least GO to some of these appointments with me.
I have a job, and I made friends right away, which was something that I've never been able to do. And not only did I make friends, but I actually made "real" friends... not just people that you talk to at work but break glass with and win elephants for. I also had to say goodbye to a bunch of people, or not even get to say hello... which I never like... I've always hated this time of year for that reason. Every fall that I can remember someone has gone away.
My sister got a new job... a better paying job, in the city, with pretty good potential for "growth" as they would say. I still need to visit, she's going to Italy in November with Mike and then they're moving in together in December.
School isn't really doing anything for me. I'm not really excited, I don't know. To be entirely honest I have no idea what some of the classes that I'm taking are...and I remember saying that I was going to sign up for something and now I have no idea what it was.
I've seen parts of "Beaches" about 300940324 times, it's always on Lifetime...but last night I actually watched the ending. HOLY CRAP what a terribly sad movie that is. But lately I don't cry during movies anymore. I don't know what's going on, I used to cry hysterically. Maybe I need a good cry. blah.
I owe my dad $60 and hopefully this paycheck will be fairly big. I don't really want to go shopping yet...This is all so randomly placed, but that's okay. David's still in Colorado, but coming back to live in the city by November.
No matter how much I sleepy lately I'm still exhausted. I need to finish a book today, and get crackin' on the rest of my homework in order to enjoy the next week as if I never had any homework at all. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. I need to find someone to work for me on Thursday. ooooh well.
Off to the beach for a party like no other. haha crazzzy.
♥
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[20 Aug 2005|11:54pm] |
I need a change. This very second I need a change. I'll close my eyes and something very cataclysmic will happen and we'll all clap and be happy. I need to go do something that makes me happy. This is what I need this is what I'll get .
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| Bru Is Fucking STUFFED! |
[06 Aug 2005|08:07am] |
I really wish that I had listened when people said it goes by so fast. Whether for myself, or for the idea that eventually everyone would come back. It's weird. The group of people that went away, that broke my heart what feels like a really long time ago, only left four years ago. And as they come back this upcoming year, I'll be leaving them. How terribly awkward and unfortunate. My life is always parallel to certain people's and I really enjoy that, I know that I'm never alone with starting something new.
It's been a pretty crazy few days. Lots of ridiculous laughing.
+ probably my favorite ----> "I fucked your Mom!"
+ She doesn't break hearts, she breaks GLASS, motherfuckers.
+ Stealing people's lawn ornaments/garbage pail covers/condoms
+ Birthday parties
+ Sleepovers
+ Billionaires, the Hope Diamond and MURDER!
+ Fabulous thunderstorms so good that you need to shut the radio off
+ Going to work at 9am! ew
+ Someone telling a joke with a pause that makes all the difference.
"If I were to call anybody...(pausepausepause) I would call..."
Erf. I need to go do my hair so that I won't be late. Need to get crackin' on my homework.
♥
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[03 Aug 2005|01:06pm] |
So. as far as days go. Today pretty much sucked it. a lot. If I never have another time equivalent to the suckiness that was August 3rd, 2005... I will die a happy old lady. Furthermore, I'll be optimistic, I have a party to go to later and a very lovely late night date so, maybe it'll get better...
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[27 Jul 2005|08:13am] |
I'm not going to say that the past few days have been 'difficult'. To be completely honest, I don't know what to call them. I feel as if no matter what it is that I'm trying to do... there is always some sort of a problem or situation attached that I always have to deal with. No matter what it is, school, relationships, work... taking one step ahead always ends me back two behind. I don't know what to do about this either.
I just don't really understand it. They're not big things...they're not things that I can't overcome... it's just always when I feel as if we've hit a smooth period, when everything is actually going along really well. Something, some one, some situation plops itself right into the middle of it... sometimes it's directly linked with myself. Sometimes it's completely not and those are the things that aren't even so much what I'm talking about. I wish I had control over what was going on, or knew a better way to deal with every one of these situations. In more recent months I've been taking care of this stuff alone. I know that I'm not stupid, I'm not a "mean" person...I'm just doing what needs to be done. I need to stop feeling guilty for no reason.
I went to sleep three hours ago. I am painfully tired...I have to go to the doctor's office in about a half hour, hopefully by the time I run there, hop to school and go to target I'll still have eight hours before t-shirt pick up, but I highly doubt it.
*sidenote:
There's a lot of bigger stuff going on not directly involving me that gives me no right to even discuss "my problems". I know nothing is really all that big, and maybe this sort of bullshit goes on with everyone. But I've really come to notice that it frequents my life and my situations to the point of nausea.
♥
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[23 Jul 2005|08:10pm] |
Highlights
+ "Suck It"
+ Mad Dawg & Horse (Hoarse? Hasss?)
+ Cher
+ FABBBBBULOUS 40s
+ Excellent Highlighting/Belt Coordination via DINERS
+ Love Life for 2006! Whatwhat!
+ Starbucks
+ Suomo Wrestlers + Crotch Licking
+ SPEEEEEED BOATS
+ Ralph Kramden
+ Family Picnics
+ New Earrings
+ TODD
+ Being the only one in the movie laughing
...WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!!/WEEKEND! AND IT'S NOT EVEN OVER YET!
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[19 Jul 2005|03:59pm] |
Another nightmare last night...I was walking out of somewhere, to get into my car and someone was standing there waiting for me, started to try to kill me with a baseball bat? and when I finally got the bat to hit him back, no matter how hard I swung, when he got hit, it was always a really light tap. Very, very weird. I called 911 in the dream, which I do a lot; except that I forgot the number and once I got through they said that someone else had already called about it. There was a lot more to it, we were also in someones house. I don't know; very odd stuff.
Went to the beach today... stayed there for a few hours; had some lunch... my dad bought me something to eat for dinner and now I'm home waiting before I leave for work. Tomorrow is party fun with the crazy girls andddd that's about it. I think I'm going to make another myspace. who knows.
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[18 Jul 2005|11:58am] |
I had a very weird dream last night... the world was ending, something very weird was going on and I was freaking out. And those kind of dreams where you try to hide never end up working out, because for some reason you're always in the wrong spot. I was trying to hide behind clothes and trying to figure out what was going on and no one would tell me (I do believe Oprah was in my dream, also) and I just kept crying thinking about how I didn't really want to die, or be left... I have dreams like this every so often and I woke up feeling like I just ran ten miles, I couldn't breathe at all.
My week has been really fun. I'm trying not to spend a lot of money... but between Thursday and Friday I'm pretty sure that I spent a lot. Traveling costs more than anything. I've been going back and forth to the beach all week, even if it's not to lay out on the beach, I went over to lunch which was really nice...
Yesterday was very fun. Flea markets and walks through Central Park, the Met... French lunch, boy watching, talking about tons of different stuff, HENRI BENDEL. mmmmm! Prada SUNGLASSES. deeelish. Anyway, I came home having only spent money on a train ticket and my French bread sandwich... Pretty crazy.
I'm very upset about my doctor situation, I'm still not over it, annnnd uh, I don't know what to do. I feel like paying something like $200 for a doctor's visit is pretty crazy, especially when I'm going to have to go to the optometrist soon and then get new prescriptions for my contacts... why are things that shouldn't really cost anything so much money? Gross. So the next few weeks are filled with all kinds of check ups so that I can get them out of the way... then I need to start on my stuff for school. There's a lot to do.
I feel like nothing is going well. Maybe that'll change.
Love.
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[14 Jul 2005|09:09am] |
Sebastian just came to sit in his new favorite spot...but for some reason he is absoultely COVERED in dust. hah
Current Events
+ Lighthouses + Nude Beaches + Mark + Skirts = Oh man
+ David + Counterfit Tickets = Police Lineup! (and not even for him...?)
+ Mannequins scaring the crap out of you, to the point where you're afraid to be alone.
+ Those sexy size 14 shorts. mmmmmmm
+ Shopping til' we start dropping.
+ Partttty + Prom Dresses divided by prom = Tonight! woo
+ Drivers Licenses
+ Bank Account! Numero Due = Checking = Money
+ FREE GIFTS FROM THE BANK
+ Homemade waffles.
haha the whole reason that I came online was to look something up and I was just about to sign off without actually doing that...haha. How ridiculous of me!
♥
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